Elliott: "I'm tired of this prick using us to get laid" Zach: "....Ladies" Elliott and Zach were dogs of two different personalities

It seems like all the single ladies (all the single ladies) have been hogging the spotlight lately. All of that dancing and those leotards make me never want to hear that song again, or talk about single ladies. Instead, I’m going to give you single gentlemen some attention. In fact, seeing that I am oh so generous and selfless, I’m going to give you guys some valuable advice so that you can find your single lady (or gentleman).

There is one condition: For the love of all that is holy, stay far, far away from the spandex.

I am well aware that if you were to describe yourselves in a few words, “single” would probably coincide with “broke” and/or “unemployed”. It pains me to say this, because I like free booze as much as the next girl, but you’re not going to get lucky by buying us drinks and it’s definitely not going to keep you debt free. Perhaps you should look for less expensive ways to find love. This is where I come in. Instead of being the creeper offering me a martini, try these on for size:

Magic: What will melt hearts more than pulling a penny out of someone’s ear? Nothing. A quick yet impressive rabbit out of a hat will lure your potential mate out of the bar and into your…warm embrace. Don’t do a disappearing act though, that’s not cool.

Water: This refreshing drink is not only free, but it also may be the perfect ingredient to create some sparks (or put them out). Think about it: A fine lady had a few too many and is sitting by herself on a bar stool. In comes [insert your name], the knight in shining armour, with a tall glass of H2O. Saving her from a nasty hangover, your kindness will be worth more than 1000 drinks.

Dogs: Having a cute puppy is equivalent to finding a toy in a cereal box: instant gratification. Dogs might as well be magnetic because the females (and many males) gravitate towards them. No need to build up enough courage to approach the object of your desire since they’ve already spotted your Golden Doodle and are ready for some heavy petting. Also, walking your dog (or someone else’s) in a park means that you don’t have to pay cover in a bar. This pick-up tactic will work anywhere (other than a bar).

Am I right, or am I right? If those fine seduction tactics don’t work, there must be something wrong with you. Have anything else to add to my list? Perhaps you have a success story involving little money and lots of lovin’? Comment away!