Nic Vargas, a columnist over at The Whitworthian, has some handy tips on how to save extra cash, or, as Vargas puts it, “several ways in which you can save money, so that you, too, are not forced to sell yourself into indentured servitude.”:

1. Illegally download all your music. If you illegally download two CDs a month that you would have normally purchased, you might save as much as $20 a month. With that saved money you can pick up a new hobby, like smoking or gambling.

2. Download the “how to save money” app on your Apple gadget of choice.

3. Recycle toilet paper. This option is often overlooked and it is upsetting something so simple could be overlooked.

4. Invest in something stable, like the stock market. This one is fairly self-explanatory.

5. Don’t buy profuse amounts of diamonds. This will end up costing quite a pretty penny in the long run.

6. Learn a trade, like neurosurgery or rocket science. A stacked resume can nearly guarantee you a job at Burger King.

7. If all else fails, never underestimate the power of a nice long trip to the Caribbean to help you meditate on how one can best save money.

8. Try to eat less food. Food is an expensive and ultimately a useless luxury. Though it might taste good, or fulfill some sort of primal desire, it will ultimately leave you hungry once again.

9. Write terrible lyrics, put them over terrible beats and represent your hometown to the point of absurdity. You will inevitably go double platinum and share a stage with Soulja Boy.

10. Make toast as much as possible. If ever a slice ends up looking something like Jesus, the Virgin Mary or Will Ferrell, sell it on eBay. Once finished selling, waste no time making more toast. Trust me. This works.