With fall fashion filling my dreams and those over-the-knee boots on the Holts centerfold haunting me night and day, I figured it was time to search for alternate sources of income. Unfortunately as I will be heading back to school in the next week, a job is simply out of the question. So what to do? I figured that somewhere out there, there must be a way to find money for nothing. Perhaps a needy millionaire, or a retired football player down on his luck looking for love and willing to put me on his will as the sole heir. After some self-reflection I remembered what my granddaddy once told me:
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half.
But seriously- after a Google search for “free random money”, I found out that neither money nor chicks are truly free (liar liar, Dire Straits). I began to feel that my mission was hopeless, much like this puppy’s.
That being said, there are a lot of websites and information referring to the “free money” concept, many of which are simply pernicious cash-grabbing scams. Seminars, kits, books, DVDs- all extending the carrot of “free government money”. Though we want to believe these claims are real, they are unfortunately as fake as Ashlee Simpson’s nose. Beware!
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Smarten up, people: any information like that would be accessible through your local government or for free on the Internet. Don’t go throwing your money down the toilet.
Just like Ashlee, if you don’t like something, do something about it. So rather than complaining any longer about not finding any free money sources, I would like to make some recommendations regarding the best way to collect some cash.
To begin, the gods of chance are always a good place to begin.Take that $300 you were about to spend on a “Free Money Now” kit, and head down to your local casino for a productive hour or two of old fashioned gambling. A thirty-three percent chance of winning is better than none, right?
If you aren’t the gambling type or the queen of spades is your arch nemesis, its time to cozy up to your friends and family. Bonding aside, make sure you are cozying up to the wealthy ones. Â If you are a good enough cousin/niece/buddy to all of them, you’ll be laughing all the way to the dollar store come birthday time.
Then there is always the exciting life of a drug test cowboy. You can get paid any sum upwards of twenty dollars an hour, dependent on the test and the amount of time required. Â This is a strange and wonderful world of people who take whatever they are asked, throwing caution and sometimes their better judgment to the wind. I recommend giving it a shot, but be wary of turning pro. I hear that the life expectancy of this underground society of human lab rats is below the norm, and sometimes the consequences are dire.
Speaking of dire situations, did you know that Canada, a country of 12 million adult men, has only 33 sperm donors to supply its thousands of infertile couples? Ka-ching! Ka-ching! It has long been considered a joke among men to hit the donor bank when the bank account balance is on the low side; this is in fact a viable source of income for some. At Outreach Health Services, donors are paid approximately $100 per visit or “donation”. I don’t know about you, but I certainly wouldn’t mind getting paid to put in my two cents on Maxim’s Table of Hotness 2009.
Now, if none of the above options are appealing or are not generating a large return on investment, I wish you the best of luck. Finding free money is an elusive and life long commitment, no matter the economy. Between pirates and treasure chests and leprechauns and pots of gold, we have been trying to convince ourselves for centuries that unknown riches are out there for us to find.
If you begin to get frustrated, just remember that the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half, and try to keep your cool unlike this german kid playing video games.
(Explicit Language Advisory)
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Tags: Ashlee Simpson, Dire Straits, Free money, Melissa Janke Oliver, Money, Screw You Recession, Sperm Donor
