"?#@*&%! I should have listened to Grandpa, that crazy old kook." Comic closed captioning brought to you by Virgin Mobile
In a glorious time, nay magical time, at least six months ago, I was a university student. In my time at school, I learned a great deal about the fine art of ensuring that school does not interfere with partying. With classes about to resume in less than a month, I would like to take this opportunity to impart some of my wisdom to those of you who attend a post-secondary institution.
I wish someone had told me all of the weather variables that come into play when determining whether or not you should attend a class. After much experience, I figured it out on my own. I have gone ahead and made an official document you can reference on those days you’re wondering whether or not you should roll out of bed and put on some clothes.
Precipitation: If there is any sort of precipitation, do not worry about class, young lad. Your professor would not wish any ill health upon you, and walking in rain, snow, or hail certainly increases the chances of you coming down with something.
What if there is no precipitation as of yet, but those clouds look awfully ominous? Good question. I would still not advise going to class. It’s just too risky. What if you go to class, take your notes and all those things good students do, and then when you leave, it’s raining? Now what the hell do you do? Do you run to the library for shelter? I would certainly hope not. You gotta drag your wet ass home. You know what happens then? I’ll break it down for you.
1. Getting soaked in the rain blows.
2. The last thing you did before getting soaked was attend a class (which was both inspiring and interesting).
Well, now your brain is going to associate the shittiness of getting drenched with going to class, and you’re never going to want to attend class again. It’s not your fault, man, it’s how the brain works. It’s science. Your professor wouldn’t like to hear that you’re not coming to class because of a traumatic experience you had one rainy day. Bottom line: If you see a cloud, no matter how cute and innocuous it may look, you stay home. It’s just not worth the risk.
Sunny Day: Well now I hear you saying, “But what if it’s sunny?” Your questions are so insightful; it’s as if you know exactly what I am thinking. If it’s sunny, stay home sonny. It’s what my grandfather used to say, and if we know one thing about old people, it’s that they don’t fuck around with rhymes.
Some may question the strength of that rhyme, seeing as both ‘sonny’ and ‘sunny’ start with the same letter. I asked my grandpa about that one time, and he stared me cold in the eyes for a solid five minutes. Then, with his steely gaze fixed upon me, he said, “When I rhyme, it’s true all the time.”
With the depletion of the ozone layer, the danger of UVA, UVB, and UFC rays is just too real to be taken lightly. A ten minute walk to class could be the end of you. You could develop cancer on the spot. You could show up to class with a giant tumor on your head. Well who’s benefiting from that? Your neck hurts with the additional weight up top, you’re freaking out your classmates, and your prof can’t even talk because she keeps seeing this thing. It all could have been avoided if you stayed at home.
I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the only way to combat harmful sun damage is through leisure. Everyone knows this, so I’m just re-stating the obvious. But if you’re playing Frisbee, walking to an afternoon kegger, frolicking in the park with your Miniature Schnauzer, or doing anything else fun in nature, you’re good to go. The sun chooses its targets very carefully, and there’s no way someone engaging in fun activities is going to be targeted. Trust me.
Other Variables: Just to be sure we cover all of our bases, also avoid going to class if you observe any of the following characteristics in your surrounding environment.
- harmful CO2 emissions from any source.
- any type of water body on your route (even streams. And especially brooks).
- overcast weather with no sunshine but no threat of rain. The ambiguity of the situation makes me nervous.
- the possibility of Komodo Dragons. Never seen one? Yeah, me neither, and that’s just the way they like it.
That just about covers it for weather variables that determine your attendance of a class. Follow these rules carefully, and you will feel safer and be a more productive worker. That’s right, a worker. Don’t let anyone tell you that unloading fifty kegs from a truck on eight consecutive trips to the local brewery, then setting them up in your garage in preparation for tonight’s kegger isn’t work.
We all know it is.
Keep on keeping on, people. Keep on keeping on.
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Tags: College, D.J. Demers, Recession, Screw You Recession, university, Virgin Mobile
Finally, someone who respects the “work” I do. But enough screwing the recession for me today… there’s a kegger calling my name.